Updated: Jan 28, 2020
Synopsis – Two best friends, Lenny and Paul. Find themselves in debt to local thug, Kaiser. Lenny is a degenerate gambler/drug user. And Paul is his long time suffering best friend. Paul quickly finds himself relying on Lenny’s first time ‘big win’ to avoid the wrath of the psychotic Kaiser. Lenny is self-educated, and has come to the realisation that he wants more in life. To do this he decides that he must go to university. But at the same time knows that in order to achieve this. He must pay his debt to Kaiser, even if this means committing murder.
Lenny and Paul, both are well built young men. Each are wearing tracksuits. They are together in the humble flat they share on Leith Walk. The two men are listening to the radio. Lenny is pacing the floor, whilst Paul is sitting on the tacky looking couch.
Lenny – (Sarcastic) Hear that Paul, We kin aw sleep easy the nite, Jennifer Lopez hus ah new cock tae knaw oan. Theirs me bein worryin aw day it wis jist a rumour.
Paul – eh?
Lenny – Listen tae this shower ae shite (Lenny points to the radio) what does this say?
Passing Paul, a small piece of paper
Paul – Total balance £1.03, so yur skint?
Lenny – Aye, yae could say that, and another wey ae lookin at it, is the only hing separating me and ah tramp oan the walk is the fuckin big issue.
Paul – Bit extreme?
Lenny – Coming fae a guy that hud £1617.48 in their safe yisterday it might. Anywey, kin you tell me why this prick is stoapin in the middle ae the station. To tell me Jennifer fuckin Lopez is goin tae be tonguing someboady’s baws the nite. Declarin it like he’s jist announced peace in oor time. Ah mean why’s the cunt no sayin Lenny Fraser fae Leith Walk hus £1.03 tae live on. That’s the price ae ah life in Leith, but nah, this prick hinks someboady whose erse cheeks alain are worth ah million quid. Is worthy ae stoappin the world fur.
Paul – Calm doon Marx?
Lenny – Aye, aye well Karl Marx hud a few gid ideas. He hud the baws tae say how it is. That the workin man is only is gid as what these rich bastards kin bleed oot ae us. (Paul looks a bit surprised)
Dinnae look so biscuit ersed Paul. Cos despite what the rich hink, the workin man isnae book shy. We kin read, we kin hink. Ah wisnae like maist ae the folk ah worked wae in the factory. A drone pressin ah button aw day. Ma IQ bein drained wae each press. Oan oor brek yae hud two choices, eh? go fur ah quick wank, or listen tae the boss go oan about what tropical paradise he hud jist came back fae. He seemed tae furget that fur maist ae us the world ended at Blackpool.
Paul – So what did yae dae oan yur brek?
Lenny – Me? Ah read
Paul – What did yae read like?
Lenny – Aw, Pierre Bourdieu’s book ;Distinction’ Karl Marx’s ‘Capital’, and Paulo Freire’s ‘Pedagogy of the Oppressed’. Ken ah thoat tae masel these gadgies are writin at different times and fae different countries. But here they are talkin tae me, Lenny Fraser. Ah humble boay fae Leith Walk through their work. Showin me how this life is designed tae fuck me oor as soon as the umbilical cords been cut.
Paul – Why no go tae uni then? Huv ah life that means summit insteed ae hooverin that shite up yur nose. Wait the now, how dae yae ken ah've goat £1617.83 in ma safe. And how ur yae gonnae pey that psycho Kaizer.
Lenny – Uni? Ah knew there wis ah gid idea in their sleepin (Tapping Paul on the head). But as usual ah’m two steps aheed ae yae (Lenny goes to a drawer and takes a university prospectus out, and passes it to Paul).
Paul – Queen Margaret University Prospectus. When did yae git this?
Lenny – It came yisterday. Ah'm tired ae this shite, eh? workin dae and night tae make sure some rich toff kin send his brats tae Disney Land three times a year. Ah want what gadgies like us kin only see oan they shitty reality shows or read about.
Paul – What’s that likes?
Lenny – Ah fuckin life. Ah'm sick ae workin tae scrape month tae month. Ah mean the closest ah ever goat tae go tae Disney land wis walkin past the shoap oan Princess Street. Ah want maire in life. And what yur holdin is ma ticket tae ah better yin. Turn tae page forty nine
Paul – (Turns to page 49) Public Sociology. What, is that what yur gonnae be studyin?
Lenny – (Sarcastic) God, Ah’m surprised Scotland Yard husnae heid hunted yae, fuck all gits passed yae.
Paul – Dae yae huv tae alweys be a sarcy cunt everytime ah say summit
Lenny – Calm doon, Sherlock. Aye, Public Sociology, that’s ma passport awey fae this shite and huvin tae deal wae nutters like Kaiser. Ah've been thinkin fur a while, eh? who needs a life ae substances when ah could huv yin ae substance.
Paul – Yae ken you will need tae gee up the snow. It’s nae gid learnin fancy stuff. And then fryin yur brain wae that crap.
Lenny – Well obviously, for fuck sake. Course ah want tae leave aw that behind. Cos the government dinnae tell yae, eh? that cunts like us take drugs tae blank oot what ah miserable fuckin existence we live in. Yae seen that film Groundhog Day?
Paul – Aye, Billy Murray’s in it?
Lenny – Aye, that’s the yin.
Paul – Murray’s awrite
Lenny – Aye, aye he is, but ah'm tryin tae make a point here. No discuss Bill Murray’s fuckin acting credentials.
Paul – Sorry, Lenny, ah wis just sayin
Lenny – Right. Apology accepted. So where the fuck was ah, eh? Oh, Aye. Well in the film that cunt wakes up repeatin the same day over and over again. Yae see that’s what it’s like fur guys like us. We wake up every day to make some rich fucker richer. Someboady whose ancestors sent oors doon the pits. Fair enough, the cage they keep us workin in hus changed likes. But end ae the day their goal’s the same. These rich bastards live in luxury oan the graft we dae fur them. That’s what the government dinnae understand, eh? Its the drugs that make it bearable.
Paul – That’s an interesting wey ae lookin at it
Lenny – It’s the only wey tae fuckin look at it. Listen, the opium of the elite is the blood, sweat, and tears ae the workin class. And the opium ae the workin class is anyhing that blanks oot the realisation of knowin we’re ah slave tae the capitalist machine.
Paul – So, go fur it. Go tae uni.
Lenny – Ah will, but av goat ah major problem tae deal wae first.
Paul – Aye, what’s that?
Lenny – Ah'll no lie tae yae Paul. This is where hings git ah bit awkward. Yae ken that Kaizer is nuts. He seen that advert, ken? the Amigo loans yin? And it gave birth tae an idea, eh? That anyboady who gits gear fae him needs ah guarantor? And somehow he goat it in tae his heid that yur mine
Paul – And where the fuck did he git that fae? And, and you still huvnae explained how yae ken how much ah've goat in ma safe.
Lenny – Erm, maybe because ah telt him yur were ma guarantor. Mean the cunts mental.
Remember last year he battered Santa doon the high street? somehing tae dae with his ‘ Ho Ho Ho’ being too festive? Christ, what ah've heard the bairns still need counsellin. Could yae imagine what he would dae wae me If ah hud tae tell him ah wis skint?
Paul – Too fuckin festive? It wis Christmas fur fuck sake
Lenny – Aye, ah ken, but he’s Jewish.
Paul – (Looking a bit confused) what’s being Jewish got tae dae wae it?
Lenny – Their fuckin Christ Killers. Yae hink a capitalist poster boay like Jolly auld fuckin Nick is goin tae stand ah chance?
Paul – Goin by what Kaiser did it wid appear no. Anywey, what did yae tell him about me like?
Lenny- Aw ah said wis we’re two guys but wae yin pocket. He wanted half the money and usin his words ‘’yae dinnae pey me noo? ah'm goin tae turn Paul intae a dead ringer fur Ironside’’.
Yae see Kaizer hinks if he crippled yae it wid be oan ma conscious (laughs) and ah would nae be able to live wae masel. Kennin what a naïve cunt yae are ah tried yur date ae birth oan the safe. Dinnae worry though, ah’ve left the £17.83. Mean ah'm no a complete selfish prick. Theirs still enough tae treat us tae a chippy.
Paul – Tell me yur no serious?
Lenny - As a hert attack. Listen, ah did fur yae, did yae no hear what Kaiser said? Ah wid huv tae gee up everyhing tae be yur full time carer. And yae ken what, ma dear pal? ah wid huv done it tae. Christ ah'd even wipe yur erse fur yae. When the fuck huv yae ever offered tae wipe ma erse? so too fuckin ah'm serious. Ah'm aboot puttin ma mates before masel. Sometimes ah do hink Paul yae only hink ae yursel.
Paul – Ah oanly hink ae masel? You've jist telt me you've gein ma savings tae ah boay who wants tae enter me intae the Paralympics. Ah dinnae even touch snow. So howz it ma debt? You've been livin here rent free since yae loast yur joab. So dinnae say ah’ve no helped yae oot.
Lenny – Fair dues, you've done yur bit. But this isnae the time to tae git aw Thatcherite oan me. hink ae yursel, mate. Fuck everyboady else? Nah, in this type ae situation yae need workin class solidarity. Cos like it or no, Paul. Me and you, eh? we’re in this tigether. Dinnae worry though. When ah go tae uni al be able tae play the posh mob at their ain game.