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Ma Thoats

 
 
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  • Colin Burnett

Class Treason


Aldo, and Craigy, are baith sat oan the vomit worthy, cream leather couch. Craigy looks sober, likes. But its clear yae cannae say the same hing aboot, Aldo. Fae the moment ah laid eyes oan him ah kent he’d been playin in the snow aw day. The cunts nose wis leakin like a burst pipe and it wis twitchin involuntary. As if, somehow, it hud developed a mind ae its ain.


He’s wearin this mingin, lime green, Nike tracksuit. Which hud clearly jist been liberated fae a shoap windae. He looks like he might jist break free fae it tae if he breaths too hard. What wae his shoulders bein as broad as some steroid freak ae a marine.


Ah’ll no lie, eh? It’s gid seein thum baith again. Soartae missed thum n that, ken? Cos fur the past two months Justine’s hud me fobbin thum oaff wae a shoappin list ae excuses. Lies and reasons as tae why they cannae come roond tae the hoose. Reckon her dad’s awready oan his third hert attack this year. And if the cat comes doon wae anymaire Cornavirus symptoms then even Aldo’s gonnae be demandin we pit her in the vet fur a test.


But wae Justine bein awey this week. Ah decided there’s really nae need fur me tae lie anymaire. And ah jist thoat this wis the perfect time tae git thum roond fur a catch up.


’That right?’’ Aldo ponders ‘’Justines up north seein they cunts?’’


‘’Her faimily, Aldo’’ ah tell him ‘’No ‘they cunts’’ it’s her partents’’


He laughs at ma correction. Before a confused expression soon emerges and covers his puss


‘’Aye, mate’’ he says ‘’You ken who ah mean. But what’s she dain there though? Thoat faither times hert thud packed in again? surprised he’s takin visitors’’


Fuck me, cunts goat a point, ah thoat. And even though his query is asked in a rather inconsequential manner. It does, nonetheless, gee me the fear. And ah kin immediately feel a wee trickle ae sweat runnin doon ma foreheid. No tae mention ma mooth hus suddenly become bone dry. Ah’m a terrible liar, yae see. Even oor text ah struggle. But in person? Fuckin furget it. Ah fold easier than the biggest boattle joab you’ve ever met in yur puff. Hinkin oan ma feet though, ah managed tae change the subject. By offerin him a beer. A tactic that worked and will always work if ever you require Aldo tae switch his focus awey fae a touchy subject.


Craig’s busy expertly preparin a joint oan the coffee table. Summit that wid never git tae happen if Justine wis in the hoose. He’s wearin denim jeans and a standard black Adidas zippy. And as per fuckin he’s overdone it wae his aftershave and hair gel. Suddenly, Aldo flings his leg oantae the table. An unexpected move that jist aboot sends the almost prepared spliff oantae the laminated flair. Aldo then rolls up his jeans tae reveal an ASBO attached tae his left ankle. Grinnin fae ear tae ear he egerly annooncess


‘’Dougie, son. They’ll be nae maire ae this ten o’cloak curfew pish efter themorra’’


‘’Glad tae hear it, man’’ ah tell him ‘’Community service fur glessin that boay, aye?’’


‘’Aye’’ he sais. Before finally takin his fit oaff the table.


‘’The judge understood that it wis a healthy debate. Emotions run high durin such hings, eh?’’


Craig glances oor tae him efter jist finnishin lickin the papers taegether


‘’But it turned oot that boay wis actually agreein wae what yae wur sayin, Aldo?’’


‘’That’s right Craigy. But ah blame the boays broken English fur the unfortunate incident’’


Jist as he goes tae spark up the spliff. Craig turns tae face ma direction and casually informs me


’'That’s why ah dinnae talk politics, Dougie’’


It wis hardly PMQ’S, likes. But Aldo alweys seems tae find a wey ae gittin his point acroass. And, suddenly, ah find massel wae a desire tae crack open another boattle. In the faint hope it might blank oot ae huvin tae listen tae these two dafties. Craig sparks up the joint and only efter a few draws ah kin see it’s startin tae huv an effect oan him. His eyes huv turned that ’ah’m no quite fucked yit. But it’s in the post’ rid. And as he passes the joint oor tae Aldo. Ah start convincin massel that ah’ll be stoned oot ma boax soon enough tae.


A few maire tokes fae Aldo, later. And he goes tae pass me the spliff but ah jist wave him awey. And as he accepts ma rejection withoot much resistance. It’s then that ah realise he’d never yit fully divulged the details ae what exactly his punishment wis fur attackin that perr boay.


‘’Aldo’’ ah sais. ‘’What aboot yur community service then?’’


He stares straight at me. ‘’Ah’m workin wae cunts wae disabilities’’ he sais ‘’Ken? take them tae the beach and throw thum a frisbee. That sortae bollocks’’


This compells me tae choke oan ma beer ‘’You?’’ ah ask ‘’Surely no’’


Aldo scowls at ma reaction ‘’Listen, ya dafties. They fuckin mongos are like family tae me’’


Before ah’m even able tae string a sentence taegether. Craigy takes the words straight oot ae ma mooth.


‘’Ah dinnae hink they’ll appreciate being cawed mongos, Aldo’’


Aldo shrugs oaff this rather valid point ‘’They’ll like what ah tell thum tae like. Lads, we’re dealin wae cunts who wid fuck a pool cue geein half a chance.’’


A hertless comment that draws death stares fae baith me and Craig.


Aldo actually surprises the pair ae us though.


‘’Believe it or no’’ he tells us ‘’But ah’ll actually miss thum’’


‘’Sorry, mate’’ ah say. Aw sincere, n that.


He then gazes up at us aw teary eyed ‘’Lads, they’re the best runners ah’ve ever hud’’


Ah pause. Understandin what he meant but hopin tae fuck ah wis in fact mistaken


‘’Please tell me you’ve no goat thum droappin oaff gear fur yae, Aldo?’’.


He smirks, smug as you like. ‘’Of course. Ah git cheap labour and they git tae finally serve a purpose in society. Everboady’s a winner’’.


‘’That’s fuckin disgusting, mate!’’ ah snap. Leapin fae ma seat. Aye, probably a wee bit too dramatically


‘’Disgusting? Or gid business sense?’’ he callously asks.


There really is nae defendin this cunt sometimes. Ah mean, he really is a horrible bastard. Silence casts oor the room wae me and Craig gein him the morally superior cauld shoulder. We’re baith far too annoyed tae speak tae the prick. But it isnae long before ah notice fae the corner ae ma eye. That the unopened stack ae letters piled oan the side table hus somehow caught Craig’s notice


‘’What’s wae the letters man?’’ he asks. Gesturing taewards the pile.


‘’Dinnae ask, mate’’ ah tell him ‘’Somecunt cawed Mark Henderson keeps gittin letters sent here. Justine hus been gone mental aboot it.’’


Aldo springs up fae his seat ‘’Who?!’’


‘’Mark Henderson’’ ah tell him.


And that’s when he descends oan the hings like some spoilt wee bastard openin his Christmas presents.


‘’You ken that cunt?’’ ah ask.


‘’Well’’ he sais ‘’Pit it this wey. You willnae see me and him in the same room taegether’’.


Craig looks as confused as ah feel. And aw ah kin hear is Aldo mutterin tae himsel


‘’Ah cannae believe this actually worked’’ whilst giglin like a wee school girl.


‘’You’re Mark Henderson, Aldo?’’ ah seethe. ‘’That no right?’’


‘’Nuttin gits past you, eh?’’ he laughs. ‘’Hing is Dougie boy. Ma credit ratins fucked. And wae your missus being a teacher? Well, ah bright boay like you kin dae the math. Dinnae worry though, man. Yince ma loan comes thorugh ah’ll throw you and yur dug a juicy bone.’’


Ah jump up tae grip the bastards throat but Craig bloacks ma path. ‘’Sit doon, Dougie’’. He says, points tae a gleeful, Aldo ‘’And as fur you, Aldo’’ Craigy says ‘’You owe Dougie an apology’’


‘’Listen, if you two are gonnae bitch and moan’’ Aldo says ‘’Then ah’ll jist cancel the fuckin hing’’

‘’Too fuckin right yur cancellin it’’ ah tell him. ‘’Too fuckin right yae are’’


Aldo then shoots oaff tae the bathroom. Fur what seems likes an eternity.


Yae could cut the atmosphere in the room wae a knife. Ma herts still beatin like a Cherokee drum due tae the rush ae adrenaline. Craig tries tae engage me in conversation ‘’Where the fuck hus Aldo goat tae?’’


At that very moment he strolls back in the room. Aw fillae smiles and laughter. Before, that is. He produces a letter fae his poacket ‘’And ah quote’’ he proclaims. ‘’Mr Michaels, thank you for your application in regards to our mangers position. Your interview is on blah, blah, blah. Suck yur cock when yae git here’’


Ah snatch the letter fae his big auld bear paws. ‘’Geez that fuckin hing’’


‘’Congrats, mate’’ Craig squeals, wae genuine excitement.


Aldo, oan the other hand though. Is stood shakin his heid in pure disgust. ‘’Ever since yae goat wae the princess ae Morningside. Yuv became an embarrassment tae me and everyboady else.’’


‘’Ah’m an embarrassment?’ ah laugh. ‘’What? cos ah want a better life fur masel?’’


‘’That’’s fuckin right’’ he barks. ‘’Yur a middle class wannabe. The dreg ae society’’


Ah spring up fae ma seat. ‘’Ken what? git the fuck oot ma hoose. Yur no worth the shit oan ma shoe’’


‘’Really?’’ he sais. Aw shocked and hurt. ‘’Yae hear that craigy? Wur no worth the shite oan his shoe. C’moan, mate. We’re leavin.’’


‘’What?’’ Craig sais. Pure dazed and confused.


‘’You’re awrite, man’’ ah assure him. ‘’But this cunt oan the other hand?’’ and ah stand pointing straight in Aldo’s direction.


Aldo looks ragin but Craig remains seated. ‘’C’moan, we’re oot ae here’’


‘’But ah’m still stoned. Ah cannae drive’’ Craig pleads wae him.


Aldo roars ‘’Ah dinnae gee a fuck!’’ then he takes a quick look at his watch. ‘’If ah’m no in ma hoose in fithteen minutes. Ah’m gonnae huv the filth knoackin doon ma door’’


Craig reluctantly gits up tae leave. But jist as ah hink everyhings settled doon. Aldo hus yin maire dig at me. ‘’Yae ken what, ‘Mr Big’? You’ve committed class treason, here. Fuckin big promotion, n that. Yae make me sick’’.


Ah kin feel the rage flowin through ma veins like lava doon a volcano, ready tae explode. And before ah ken it. Ah ken hud it in anymaire. Ah jist lit rip. ‘’Git the fuck oot ae ma hoose ya bam!’’. Ah tell him. Before he storms oot tae wherever the fuck. Slamin the door sae hard. That he nearly rips it oaff its hinges.

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