House of Horrors
Updated: Jan 20
The inside ae a bettin shoap is some sight. Yince yur in here yae cannae help but feel civilization as we ken it is comin tae an abrupt end. You’ve goat boays rockin back and forth oan yin ae they leather padded stools in the corner ae the shoap. As their hopes ae a few extra quid in their pocket hus quickly evapoarated in front ae their very eyes. You’ll even find normal law-abidin citizens screamin and shoutin at the monitors. Threatenin tae commit aw soarts ae atrocities oan the joackey ae their fallen hoarse. Or, oan some bottle merchant fitbaw player who hus jist seen his last-minute penalty saved. Then, there’s the machine players, these cunts are the ultra’s ae the bettin world. These dafties sit fixated oan the screen ae their chosen machine. Each ae thum barely blinkin or rememberin how the fuck tae breath. They’re sae transfixed by aw the bright lights and noise the hing produces that they become maire a zombie than human. No tae mention the cartoon characters that hover aboot the screen tellin thum tae keep feedin in the crisp new notes they jist withdrew fae their bank that same mornin.
Mean, if they didnae ken any better, they might hink they’re oan the best trip ae their lifes. But the sad truth is the hoose they’re sittin in will always win, and it’s built oan a foundation ae misery. But, well, yae cannae blame thum fur furgettin they’ve goat mooths tae feedback haime and a wife who’s aboot tae leave thum. And by the time reality finally decides tae bite them oan the erse it might jist be too late fur anyhing close tae redemption. In the blink ae an eye they might jist find thumselves blackin oot in despair ae what they’ve done tae their lifes. Only tae come too and find thumselves standin oor the caved in heids ae an unsuspecting staff member or two. Luckily fur me though, and ma ain sanity, the machines huv never appealed tae me. Fuck that likes, cos efteraw, it’s hard-enough fur punters like massel tae even remain competitive wae the bookie when it’s suttin close tae bein ae a level playin field. Never mind tryin tae take thum oan in front ae an awready predetermined cartoon network.
In between ma shifts workin as a haime help where ah tend tae the auld dears and gentlemen fae oot ma wey. Maist ae ma spare time is spent in the Ladbrokes bettin shoap oan the high street. And, ken, dinnae git me wrong, likes. Ah do love ma joab n that, but, well, ah’m oan yin ae they zero-hour contracts. Ken, the hings where yae dinnae ken if yur gonnae earn a quid or a livin wage fae month tae month. And that’s why the bookies are the life support fur gadgies like me. Dinnae git it twisted though. Ah’ve been fucked maire times wae the bookie than a two quid hooker oan her best day. But yae cannae help but hink tae yursel ‘’Theday, could jist be ma day’’.
It wis this very piercin thoat playin in the back ae mind like that nippy song yae cannae quite shake that hus broat me intae the bookies in search ae ma first win in donks. As ah enter the shoap flair the young cashier ‘Megan’ wis chattin tae Auld Tam at the coonter. Yince she cloacked ma presence in the shoap ah’m suddenly bein cawed oor by her.
‘’Dougie’’ She says ‘’Come oor here fur a second. Yae kin settle this argument fur us’’
Ah walk oor tae thum and ah gee Tam a wee noad, ‘’Aye, how kin ah help?’’ Ah ask.
Megan gees me a stern look, ‘’Do yae hink FIFA should dae suttin aboot women’s fitbaw?’’
The look ae bemusement plastered oor ma puss musta telt her ah wisnae sure how tae answer the question, ‘’It’s no a fuckin trick question’’ she barked.
‘’Eh, ah dinnae ken, likes. There cannae be that many women fitabw players’’ Ah said nervously.
Then Tam, wae a cheeky smile spread oor his puss looks at me and quips ‘’Spot oan, son’’
And that’s when Megan roared at us baith, ‘’Ya pair ae sexist bastards. Ah wis talkin aboot gittin women’s fitbaw maire oan the telly, no extinct the fuckin hing. The baith ae yae kin git tae fuck’’
Tam quickly grabbed his bettin slip that wis sittin oan the coonter and hurried oot the shoap wae his shiny silver cane in hand. While ah wis still tryin tae compute what hud jist happened as ah made ma wey tae the crinkled cut oots ae the Racing Post, which hud been clumsily pinned tae the waw. Yince you’ve hit a losing streak, like the yin ah huv, its hard tae focus oan the task at hand. Jist pickin yin winner, never mind four ae thum, seems as practical thenow, as appointin Prince Andrew as a ‘Make A Wish’ ambassador. Only two meetins oan theday that ah kin see, Doncaster and Kempton, but there could huv been Pyongyang as a third yin, and ah would still be standin here rollin the dice. Yae see, it’s the risk, that’s where the hit yae git fae gamblin comes fae. Boays, win some, lose some, but when yae do win it feels as if you’ve jist discovered the loast city ae Eldorado. In ma ain line ae work, ah’ve seen aloat ae beautiful hings transpire. Some ae thum yae might even consider tae be actual miracles. Ah’ve bared witness tae auld dears suddenly being able tae remember their bairns names efter years ae no bein able tae. Due tae some merciless disease that hus taken possession ae their mind. These eyes huv even seen some ae thum huvin tae learn how tae walk again. But lit me, lit yae intae a wee secret, eh? there’s nuttin maire beautiful than the vision ae gittin yin oor the bookie.
As ah studied the form ae the runners and riders. Ma decision wis finally made oan ma selections fur thedays wee taste ae hell. Tae be honest wae yae ah hud been purposely takin maire time than ah normally wid tae choose ma poison. Oan accoont ae the reception ah hud goat fae Megan earlier. Though now ah wis ready tae make ma ritual donation tae the Ladbrokes shareholders benevolent fund. It wis a long queue, which wis a typical sight fur this time ae day, especially wae the racin aboot tae start. Fae Megan’s demeanour it wis obvious that time hudnae bein a healer. Her usual bubbly manner hud been replaced wae pin-point death stares aimed firmly in ma direction. The glares only becomin maire and maire intense the closer ah goat tae the heid ae the line. Fortunately, fur masel, when it wis ma turn tae be served by her. A young boay cawed Paul, who ah kent fae the boozer hud jumped oantae a till. He wis a small guy, wae short prickly black hair, and a tangerine complexion, due tae his love ae the sunbeds. As soon ma bet wis placed in his hand, he instinctively processed it through his machine and passed oor ma copy.
Megan, who wis seated nixt tae him, could be heard softly mutterin ‘Wanker’. Tae avoid causin another reaction, like the yin earlier, ah chose tae ignore her comment. Paul, who wis oblivious tae oor differences oan the future ae wumen’s fitbaw. Unintentionally, provoked a bigger divide by statin ‘’Dinnae mind her, Dougie. It’s probably jist her time ae the month again. Yae, ken how they git when they’re in heat’’.
Ma first instinct wis tae smile but ah managed tae compose masel. Which wis a gid joab tae because she looked as if she wis aboot tae spontaneously combust at the mere thoat ae his remark. A few seconds passed where we jist stared at yin another. Wae naeboady quite sure how tae respond. In the back ae ma mind ah thoat this wid be the moment where we wid hear ‘Doof Doof’, like yae famously, hear at the end ae each EastEnders episode. Then, withoot much warnin, Megan slammed the wad ae notes she wis coontin oantae the coonter and yelled, ‘’You, cunts make that shower ae shite Trump look like a fuckin feminist!’’. Naeboady else in the shoap seemed tae pey the commotion much attention, probably because they wur either greetin or tryin tae find the location ae their fallen joackey’s hoose oan google maps. Then, she sprung fae her comfy lookin seat and stormed through tae the backroom. Tae, ma surprise, Paul didnae seem fazed by her ootburst and it wis as if he knew suttin ah didnae. He jist shrugged it oaf, ‘’It’ll be sound. Ah’ll lit her go haime, an hour early’’.
He began almost whisperin by this point and gestured fur me tae come closer. So’s tae avoid any unwanted ears fae listenin intae oor conversation. And the reasons fur Megan’s volatile mood soon became understandable, ‘’She caught her boyfriend gone doon oan someboady. Her ain brother, if yae kin believe it’’. If ah hud a mirror in front ae me, ah’d be guessin ma facial expression musta resembled suttin no seen since Bill Cosby turned up tae chaperone some cunts daughter tae a sweet sixteen pairty.
‘’Eh, okay’’ ah sais. Still gripped intae a state ae confusion by this revelation.
‘’Aw, did yae hear aboot the punch up doon at The Spiders Web oan Saturday night?’’ Paul enthusiastically wondered.
He hus alweys been a gossip, and tae be honest, ah’m surprised he husnae goat his ain column in The Leither. Gone by his first bit ae news, ah wis anxious tae hear aboot the sequel. In passin, someboady hud mentioned the pub hud been, ‘’Fuckin Carnage’’, oan the night in question.
Ma mate hud been oot fur a few jars that night and hud seen it aw kickin oaff. He hud briefly mentioned suttin aboot this but hudnae went intae any great detail. It wis suttin tae dae wae a boays teeth. If anyboady would ken the full story ah kent Paul wid. Ah took this opportunity tae find oot maire aboot what hud happened cos ma curiosity goat the better ae me,
‘’Stevie hud mentioned suttin yisterday when ah bumped intae him in the CO-OP. But he wis in a hurry fur his work, so he didnae geez the full story. Dae yae ken what happened, likes?
Yae could see Paul’s eyes widenin as he spoke. It wis as if he wis describin the battle ae the Somme tae me, ‘’Aye, ah wis close enough tae smell the blood. Aldo knoacked this boays front teeth oot, wae yin punch’’.
Ah couldnae understand why Stevie hudnae mentioned Aldo wis involved in the mayhem. Probably thoat it went withoot sayin/ Ah love the guy, ken? but Aldo scares the shite oot ae me,‘’Aye, that’s what ah wis telt, some boays teeth. Wait, Aldo did it? Stevie hudnae mentioned that. What hud the boay done, likes?’’
Paul paused tae hastily scan some bets through his machine. Before he continued and went intae continuing oan wae his eyewitness accoont‘’Aldo wis standin, sippin a pint at the bar. When he caught the end ae a conversation between these two random boays, ah hudnae seen before. Anywey, he heard yin ae thum say ‘’ Tacki’’
‘’So?’’ ah asked.
‘’So, Aldo, hud thoat the boay said, Paki’’ as he began softly speakin once again. ‘’But yae ken Aldo, Dougie. He hud the boay booked intae the dentist before the poor sod even hud a chance tae explain’’
That wis Aldo fur yae, ah thoat quietly. He wis alweys oot and aboot crackin heids at the weekend. Ah yince seen him brek a bar stool oor a boays heid fur wearin a maroon toap. Hibs hud jist been pumped five yin by Herts.
‘’Fur, fuck sake’’ ah sais. ‘’Anywey, why are yae whisperin? Aldo’s no even here’’ before as ah take a casual glance aroond the room, jist tae be shaire.
Paul alweys seemed like he hus ants in his pants when Aldo’s name comes up. He couldnae sit still and seemed as if he wis aboot tae choke even jist speakin his name.‘’Aye, but yae dinnae ken when he’s gonnae walk in. Did yae no listen tae a single word ah jist said. It’s awrite fur you, he fuckin loves yae. Me? He huds me personally responsible if Hibs score a disallowed goal’’.
‘’He’s no fuckin Lord Voldermort’’ ah tell him, as ah hae a wee giggle tae masel, ‘’Listen, ma first race is aboot tae go oaff. Ah, need tae go’’.
‘’Nae worries, Dougie. Speak, tae yae later’’ replies Paul.
Before ah make ma wey acroass the gleamin laminated flairin that still hud an aura ae disinfectant omittin fae it. The broad telly screen positioned in the center ae the room wis ma chosen destination. Where ah wid soon join ma fellow disciples in chasin that very rare taste ae victory. Maist ae the regulars hud awready taken their uncomfortable seats in front ae the screen and appeared tae huv entered a hypnotic state as they watch the horses bein guided intae the stalls by their rider. Each yin ae thum waitin in anticipation tae hear the commentator mutterin they infamous last wurds, ‘’And, they’re off’’. Ma attention couldnae be taken awey fae the fact that the shoap flair wis littered wae a dozen or so scrunched up bettin slips. Clearly, wae the condition ae some ae thum, they’d been hastily discarded in a fit ae rage. Ma first hoarse, Thomas Shelby, is due tae run at the two ‘o cloack at Kempton and it’s priced up as a four tae yin second favourite. There wis nae scientific formula involved in pickin this yin, it wis simple, ah’m a Peaky Blinders fan. Jist imagine fur a second that ah never backed this hoarse and turns oot tae be fuckin Pegasus. Ma wee sister yince loast a pretty decent telly oor a certain ‘Easter Road’ rompin haime at Roayl Ascot. No, that ah heard the last ae that fae ma sister or her fellae.
It’s jist hit me thenow but ah’ve no seen Aldo in here fur nearly a week. Maybe he’s jist keepin his heid doon efter that misunderstandin wae that boay at the boozer. Naeboady fae Leith is daft enough tae dae a silly hing like phone the polis oan him or even git medical attention fur the poor cunt he’s jist done in. But ah do find it weird he’s no been intae the bookies lately. Usually, as regular as the mornin paper, ah wid find him oan yin ae they machine’s as he force feeds the hing his hard-earned drug money. Though yae cannae quite blame thum fur sendin him oor the edge, Aldo wis jist born that wey. His mother and faither own and run a popular Indian takeaway, cawed ‘A Little Taste of India’, oan the ootskirts ae Edinburgh. Aw his faimily are hard workin, law abidin citizens, and they didnae ever toil fur money. So there really wisnae any excuses fur him and they borderline insane wae the wey he’s turned oot. Ah’ve been gid mates wae him ever since oor first day at primary school and wur still close tae this day. He might be a lunatic but he’s oor lunatic, if yae ken what ah mean. Tae kill the boredom in between ma races ah’ve decided tae hae a wee flutter oan the dugs. Three ae thum ah backed and none ae they wee bitches could even gee me a decent run fur ma money. Fae ma view ae the screen ah kin see the runners fur the three o’ clock at Doncaster are in the stalls, and they’re ready tae go.
Ma hoarse, Melody Park, is caught oaff the pace early oan. In ma heid right now ah’m tryin tae visualise tyin this useless joackey tae the back ae ma burds motor and draggin him through the center ae Princess Street. Of course, he wid be tard and feathered beforehand and publicly flogged accordingly, ken? Game ae Thrones style. Wait. pit the pitch forks doon fur a second, cos he’s startin tae move steadily up the field. Maybe this is the right time tae deliver yin ae ma famous motivational speeches, ‘’Go oan ya dirty bastard. Hit the fuckin hing!!.’’. Ah’m nae Martin Luther King but ma few words ae encouragement appear tae huv worked as the wee fucker hus jist managed tae pip another hoarse oan the line. As ah wis jumpin aboot the shoap flair and shoutin ‘’Yes!!’’, ah kin hear aloat maire boays scowlin, ‘’ It wis jist a matter ae time before that cunt fucked someboady’’. Now ah kin feel ma hert skippin a beat and ma blood pressure seems tae huv went up a notch or two efter aw that excitement fae the race. The hing is though yae kin ask any seasoned gambler and they’ll tell yae what ah’m aboot tae say ‘’A gid start doesnae add inches tae yur dick’’.
The next hoarse ah’ve goat runs in the half three at Kempton, Echo Falls, ah’ve done this yin before and ah ken fae watchin it run that the hings goat a pair ae baws oan him and he’s no afraid tae yase thum. Takin a wee scan ae the room and seein the punters quickly fill oot their bets ah reckon every yin ae thum wid take odds oan the world endin themorn. Yince yae develop a gamblers mentality anyhing seems like a bet in the makin. Yur jist left wae the paralysing thoat that keeps whisperin intae yur ear, ‘’A Price, is a Price’’. As Megan takes ma bet and scans the hing she seems tae huv calmed doon and even oaffers me a wee smile. Fuck this, ma next dug doesnae even make it oot the trap. Ken, its time like this, fur a split second, ah wonder if the Chinese and Koreans are oantae suttin. Wae readin the form ae ma nixt hoarse ah’ve goat a bit ae belief that it kin actually win. Efteraw it’s won three ae its last five races. Then as ah begin tae drift intae ma ain world when ah hear this gravelly sniggerin voice fae behind me, ‘’Are yae still a willy washer?’’. Fae that wee remark ah didnae need tae be Columbo tae ken who it wis, Aldo. He alweys makes the same stupid joke anytime ah see him and as ah turn tae face the direction ae where the voice wis comin fae ah’m faced wae a monster ae a boay. Aldo must be aboot 6ft 8 wae a very muscular build oan accoont ae bein a weightliftin and droid enthusiast. He hud these tribal tattoos covered acroass his bald heid, which doesnae make him look any less ae a looney tune.
‘’How many times, Aldo. Ah’m a haime help.’’ As ah attempt in vain tae convince him ‘willy washer’ wisnae ma joab title.
He pauses fur a few seconds and appears tae be in deep thoat as he processes the information ah’ve given him. Before developin a cheeky schoolboay smile ‘’Aye’’ he says ‘’But yae still need tae wash the auld cunts, right?’’.
‘’Even the elderly ur entitled tae a wash’’ ah remind him.
He jist decides tae ignore ma coonter argument and expands further oan his feelins aboot the elderly and their contribution tae society, ‘’These auld bams huv too many rights fur ma likin’’ before he continues ‘’Free bus fare, preferential medical treatment. When yae phone fur a doctor’s appointment during the winter. Guranteed some auld antique hus been rushed tae the front ae the que wae the sniffles’’
’If yae sae so, Aldo’’. ah half concede, reluctantly.
‘’Hows, yur sister, Lucy, gittin oan?’’ enquires Aldo. The baith ae thum hud dated fur a bit back at high school.
’She’s jist the same’’ ah tell him
As he looks tae see if any ae the machines are vacant ‘’Is she? Ah’m sorry tae hear that’’.
’Oi’’ ah say ‘’She’s no like that anymaire’’
Ah kin see Aldo slowly developin a smile acroass his puss ‘’Ah’m jist fuckin wae yae. any winners theday’’.
‘’Aye’’ ah tell him. ‘’Started wae ma first two oan ma lucky 15’’
‘’Gid days, Any tips fur me?’’ he asks.
‘’Aye, True Romance in the four ‘o clock at, Kempton’’ ah tell him, as ah’ve goat a gid feelin aboot this yin. Then again, Neville Chamberlain probably said the exact same hing before Hitler invaded Poland.
Aldo hus surprised me that he’s no mentioned nuttin aboot the incident at the pub. His knuckles look a bit bruised, but since he’s no mentioned anyhing, ah thoat better ae bringin it up.
He geez me a wee noad aboot ma tip oan the hoarses, ‘’Ah’ll keep it in mind. Listen, ah’m gontae jump oan yin ae they machines. Speak tae yae later, man’’
’Nae worries, Aldo’’ ah tell him.
He then sets oaff tae take a chance oan Nickelodeon. While ah wis aboot tae see whether lady luck wis gonnae shine oan me or git me tae touch ma taes. Echo falls wis gone great while the rest ae the pack wur strugglin tae build any real momentum. Well, apart fae this twinty tae yin shot who wisnae dain what wis expected and dyin a quick death. ‘’Come oan, ya dafty!’’ ah began roarin and mimicin the joackey’s actions oan the hoarse. Frankie wis yasin his experience tae keep the lazy bastard movin in the right direction. The ootsider willnae fade awey and is eyebaw tae eyebaw wae ma yin. Though it somehow jist manages tae git it’s heid oor the line first. At this point ah’m startin tae feel a bit like James Dean wae ma chist puffed oot and an expression oan ma puss where ah mighta jist cheated oan ma burd. Word quickly spread through the shoap as it normally wid when someboady wis aboot tae take the bookie tae the final roond. It’s funny how boays yae crashed a smoke oaff aboot two year ago come up tae yae like a long loast brother yince they smell a potential win. And they’re quick tae remind yae tae, ‘’You fuckin owe me’’.
Ah’m startin tae feel a bit light heided wae aw the excitement in the room. This is the first time in months ah’ve been anywhere near a win. The last time wis oan yin Saturday efternin when ah wis in the hoose followin a fitbaw coupon. That hale day the laddie nixt door tae me hud been kickin his baw oor intae ma back gairden. At first ah wis jist tossin the baw back oor tae him as ma teams wur winnin yin efter another at that point. And ah wid go intae the kitchen and huv a wee chuckle tae masel, ‘’Boays will be Boays’’. Tell yae the truth, ah wis oan such a high, he could huv been throwin grenades oor and ah widnae huv minded. Then ma last team, Man United, conceded a last-minute own goal. And guess what’s the first hing ah see when it starts tae sink in ah’ve jist missed oot oan close tae a grand? said baw, eh? floatin intae ma gairden again. Withoot even gein the hing much thoat ah rushed tae ma toolbox and grabbed a Stanley blade before ah headed oot and burst the baw. Yince a tossed the deflated fitbaw oor tae the bairn ah paused fur a bit before hearin the hysterical greetin ae a six-year auld. Deep doon ah jist wanted tae ken someboady else wis huvin a bad day and feelin the same pain as me. His tears helped, honestly, they really did.
Aldo wis still fixted oan his chosen machine. Ah wandered oor tae him and telt him aboot ma bet but he jist smiled as he seemed paralysed by how drawn intae the slot game he wis playin. Maybe ten minutes later ah hear him freakin oot ‘’Git fuckin in there!’’. This jammy bastard hud jist taken oot a grand fae his machine. He must huv been takin in what ah wis sayin efteraw cos he rushed oor tae where ah wis standin and informed me, ‘’Ah’ve jist pit a grand oan that hoarse ae yours, True Romance’’. In light ae the fact ah wis dealin wae a boay who cheered when Mustafa died in The Lion King. Ah thoat it wis better no tellin him it wisnae a sure thing at aw. He didnae need the money as he made maire fae sellin snow than a doactur did fae savin lives. Still, there wis aloat ridin oan this fuckin horse. Ma two grand, and Aldo’s seven. In the corner ae ma eye ah notice this smartly dressed boay enterin the shoap. This bastard stood oot in this place maire than Nigel Farage wid oan the Million Man March. At first ah thoat he wis management comin intae check oan the shoap. Yince ah saw him gittin Megan tae fill oot a bet fur him ah knew he couldnae be. Ah goat aw the confirmation ah needed tae ken he wisnae fae oot this wey when ah could hear his soft voice speak and he wis aw fluent in the Queen’s English. A clear sign he belonged here as much as ah did in Morningside. He’s probably jist a middle-class cunt wantin tae dip his tae’s in the real world.
The tension is cracklin in the air. Suddenly the closer the race gits, the maire ah kin feel a tight knoat developin in ma stomach. Aldo wis stood nixt tae me at the front ae the screen. His boady language said maire than words ever could as he appeared tae huv developed early stage Parkinson’s in the last ten minutes. Neither dae ah feel like the fairest in the land at the minute. If anyhing ah must resemble suttin no seen since Christopher Walken at the end ae ‘The Deer Hunter’. Oor hoarse, Truce Romance, hus started the race well and hus goat a few lengths oan the even money hot shot. We baith held each other as the hing began pullin awey fae the rest ae the field. Me and Aldo began roarin at the screen, ‘’C’moan ya pair ae miserable bastards!’’. We’ve goat the lead likes, but wait, ‘’What, the fuck is that?!’’ Aldo squeeled, as oor joackey began wobblin oan the horse. Ma god, the daft cunt hus tumbled under the hoarse and we’ve fuckin loast. As ah’m tryin tae process what ah’ve jist witnessed, ah notice Aldo hus crashed oantae his knees.
That’s when ah hear the hysterical over celebration ae that posh boay in his posh accent, ‘’Yes! I can’t believe I won. Yes!!’’. Aldo jist jumps up fae the flair and demands tae ken, ‘’Who fuckin said that?’’. Aw ae the line ae people who wur standin behind us jist seemed tae disappear intae thin air. Only the boay fae Harrod’s remained, and now he wis standin alone. Face tae face wae Aldo. Yae ken tell right awey fae the boay’s nervous facial expressions that he wis aboot tae piss in his pants, there and then. Who kin blame him tae? he probably only gits tae see boays like this oan the telly, or hear aboot thum in some Irvine Welsh novel.
His puss wis a picture, maist likely last seen when Elma Fud hud the Easter bunny starin doon a double barrel. In a desperate attempt tae defuse the tense situation, he sais, ‘' I’m not looking for any trouble. It was just this was my first bet, and I won. I’m really sorry you guys lost’’. Aldo took keys fae his jean poacket, which ah assume tae be his hoose yins, and dangled thum in the boays puss, as if he wis attemptin tae hypnotize him. ‘’Here’s ma hoose keys, ma burd will be finishin her work aboot thenow. Head oor there and yae kin huv yursel a wee celebration, fuck’’.
The stand oaff between Aldo and the boay hud caught everyboady’s attention by now. Paul, at his usual best, managed tae enrage Aldo further, ‘’Is that no rape?’’ he whispered. ‘’Listen, ah’m tryin tae make a point here. The only advice ah need tae hear fae the world’s last survin Oopa Loompa will be where tae find the golden ticket’’ scowled Aldo. This sent Paul scutterin back oantae his seat. If ah’m tellin yae the truth, ah never peyed much focus oan the potential blood bath that wis starin right back at me. How the fuck could ah, ah’ve jist missed oot oan two grand and ah’m jist like everyboay else in here again, a fuckin born loser. Wae Paul ditractin Aldo fur a bit ah could sense a bit ae relief fae the boay and didnae blame him. It boat him a few minutes tae hink. In a moment ae weakness and clarity ah felt fur the guy and ah soon attempted tae calm Aldo doon, ‘’This boay won Aldo, granted, he needs tae be bit maire modest aboot it’’ as ah give him a stern glare. ‘’But he goat yin oor the bookie and we kin aw agree there’s nae lower form ae human life than a bookie. Jist lit the cunt enjoy his win’’. As ah thoat aboot it fur a while ah realsied ah might jist git ma heid kicked in tae protect the soartae cunts ah hate. Someboady who wis born wae a silver cock in his mooth. Tae ma shock and the posh cunts nerves, Aldo seemed tae take in what ah jist said tae him and he gestured wae his hands that he wis ready tae forgive the boay fur winnin by remarkin, ‘’Yur right, Dougie’’. Ma curiosity goat the better ae me and before the guy could make a hasy exit ah decided tae take an interest in his win, ‘’How much did yae win? two or three grand?’’.
He began grinnin fae ear tae ear as if he wis the joker fae Batman and laughed oaff ma question, ‘’I wish, it was only a pound stake. I have doubled my money and that’s a good day in the office. am I right?’’. Megan gave me a noad tae confirm this wis indeed his winnins and then ah could feel ma boady wis gone under some Hulk like transformation.
Lookin straight at Aldo, who seems tae be stable at this point, ah remind him, ‘‘Yur no gonnae hit this boay’’. ‘’Aye, ah ken, ah wis over reactin, it’s aw good’’ he said reassuringly. ‘’Nah, yaewurnae, yae ken why? cos ah’m gonnae eat this cunts fuckin hert, The two quid fuckin kid!’’As ah lunge tae rip oot his Adam’s apple like yae see in they cheesy Kung-Fu movies before ah FedEx it back tae his missus. Tae ma surprise, and everyboady else’s in the shoap, it’s actually Aldo who huds me back. Which geez the boay enough time tae make his exit. Ootae this house ae horrors, they caw, The Bookies.